The Alarm rings and my crusty eyelids are as unwilling as I to greet the morning. It’s too early. My neck hurts. I feel a headache coming on. Coffee isn’t working anymore. Please, Lord Jesus, help me get out of bed.
My shuffle-stumble takes me to the coffee maker. With the finished cup, I nearly trip over the rabbit gate. I crouch for a quick pat on the bunny’s head then huddle up on the couch with my meagre morning cup of joe.
I stumble onto the internet and while browsing through my usual happy-go-lucky content, I stumble upon one that is dedicated solely to joking about Depression. Here are some pretty relatable ones.
Instead of feeling better about other people sharing some of my problems, I felt a weight on my shoulders over it. I thought about all the other people who war with their own minds and question whether life has any meaning at all.
On days like this, there isn’t really a sense of sadness. It’s more like there isn’t a molecule of strength left in you to feel or do anything at all.
Me: I’d better get up and intervene with that kid who is asleep over there while I’m teaching.
Also Me: Who cares?
Me: I’d better keep an eye on these special needs kids, so they don’t do anything to hurt themselves or someone else.
Also Me: Can’t.
Me: I’d better get these kids to focus, so we can practice reading.
Also Me: Good luck.
It’s incredibly difficult just to go from point A to point B. It’s like each word that comes out of your mouth literally punches another hole in the soggy rubber glove that is your spirit. Each word is like lifting a sixty pound weight over your head and not getting to put it down.
It’s not necessarily sadness, although if anything disappointing or sad happens to you, then it’s pretty much the end of all your hopes and dreams as you once knew them.
When I stumbled across these memes and many more that were completely inappropriate for an already-depressed audience, I felt hopeless. Today’s a bad day, so I wonder when the last time was that I really felt myself love someone.
On normal days, small tasks are manageable. Kid gets stuck in a mini-basketball goal? That’s cute. Let’s get him out and make sure he doesn’t do it again.
Bad days: Welp, I’d better stare off into space and accept life as it currently is because it’s never going to change.
Normal days: Kid complains about something I did even when that thing I did was purely because I love them and want good things for them? No big deal, I’ll calmly explain that their complaints are valid, but they hurt my feelings by complaining, and what I did was for their good.
Bad days: I’m the worst at my job, and soon they’ll all realize it and get rid of me. I’ve done nothing good ever, and everything I’ve done has been a misguided mistake.
I believe that many people who have Depression believe that they don’t. Even when they’ve spoken with a professional, even when they’ve had so many bad days where relationships have been nearly destroyed and jobs have nearly been thrown away, they think they might just be faking it. I’m one of those people, and the reason I’m sharing all this is because you might be, too.
Just because you’re having good days or good weeks doesn’t mean you never had Depression. It doesn’t mean it isn’t still there waiting for you to get off on taking your medication.
This isn’t meant to be a hopeless post. This was a real day for me, but I took a nap, felt much better, and am continuing to care for myself. It does bother me to see so many people on the internet suffering, joking about it, and genuinely calling out for help in a way that no one might answer.
If you’ve got someone in your life that has Depression and they have a day where even expressing an emotion is like lifting a boulder over their heads and walking up a hill with it, it isn’t about you. It’s not your fault. The best thing to do is to be there and let them feel or not feel. Don’t try to change it. If you offer happiness to someone who is in a Depressive state, it would be like offering a donut to a brick wall. Brick walls don’t eat donuts, nor do they like them.
Offer yourself as you are and accept them as they are. As long as they’re already taking steps to get better, they’ll come out of it, and they’ll know you’re there if they need you.