Category: Blog

Aokigahara (Suicide Forest), the Tumor of a Cancer-Stricken World

Header image from: http://lookingforalosea.blogspot.com/2010/11/aokigahara-forest-suicide-forest-japan.html


***WARNING*** THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS CONTENT RELATING TO DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE.


The forest called Aokigahara feels almost too dark to be real, like a suspended bubble of fiction that our brains try to refuse a place with truth and light.

Just like any other forest, Aokigahara feels the breeze rustle through its leaves, and it whispers to the passersby. The shadows that loom over the earth are cold and protected, and the earth is moist, the soil alive and thriving with decay and rebirth. The forest is not a made up nightmare, suicide forest is as real as any other forest on Earth, but it is tainted with the stain of death and horror.

The forest lays at the feet of the wondrous Mt. Fuji, one of the most beautiful and iconic mountains in the world. This mountain is like the flag on the Earth’s surface that declares its ownership, its stewardship of the land. Aokigahara is, indisputably a distillation of beauty so intense that one’s mind boggles at the hint of despair that is now running as deep as the forest roots through the land.

Masahiko Kitahara and Maki Watanabe studied the forest and surrounding lands, putting a lens to the life that thrives in the area. In their study, they were able to identify the edge of Aokigahara as an ecological “hotspot” for butterfly diversity. The surrounding edge of the forest thrived with rare and threatened species, likely because they were searching for a spot to avoid dangerous environmental change (Diversity and rarity hotspots and conservation of butterfly communities in and around the Aokigahara woodland of Mount Fuji, central Japan).

I know the writers of the study would be horrified at my conclusions of this study, but I do find poignant poetic indications about the endangered butterflies thriving at the edge of this place, a beautiful herald surrounding the locus of death, a place they dare not enter.

Imagine the man who sets out for the forest, determined to end his life. He has lost his job, his honor, and his family, and he finds that the world doesn’t need him, just another blight of disease on the Earth. So, he begins his journey into the heart of the forest. The forests edge is decorated with signs from the police:

Meditate on your parents, siblings, and children once more. Do not be troubled alone.

Another reads

Your life is something precious that was given to you by your parents.

If the walker ignores these pleas that he reconsider, he will find several more opportunities inside the forest to change his mind. The paths are decorated with ribbons that show the way out.

Unfortunately, many who enter the forest never make it out again.

How is it that such a majestic part of the world came to be so haunted and heavy with desperation?

Much of the history of the forest is drenched with speculation and legend, but the speculation still paints the appropriate picture. It is said that ancient Japanese families used to take unwanted family members to the forest in times of famine, freeing up remaining resources for the other members of the family. Such a depressing history of murder, loneliness, and death is rumored to linger in the soil of the forest, paranormal activity being a common occurrence between the moss-laden trees and jutting trunks.

The forest has been a lost-and-found for poor souls for hundreds of years, but the publication of a 1960s novel that ends in the co-suicide of two lovers in the forest has become the named reason for the soar in suicides in the forest, numbers reported in the hundreds of dead.

The topography, beauty, and supposed supernatural phenomenon create a new face for an otherwise peaceful area of the world, and one can’t help but wonder why so many turn to such a sad, otherworldly place for their final moments, alone, sometimes accompanied by a suicide manual published by Wataru Tsurumui. They leave behind wallets, packages of food, egg-carton bedding, or nothing but the noose.

Aokigahara is mysterious and beautiful, despite its morbid associations, and one can’t help but extrapolate to the world as a whole when contemplating the disease of Depression that has seeped into the deepest, most vulnerable parts of human existence. The suicide forest is like the tumor that the world begins to notice, gets checked out by a doctor, and gets the prognosis of a cancer that pervades the entire body.

Before recent media attention put the limelight on Aokigahara, I was unaware that such a place existed, not that suicide was remotely new to me, or to anyone else in this world for that matter. Suicide and Depression have become something that everyone has experienced in themselves or in those they love. Suicide takes pure hearts from the world with the help of these menacing whispers from Depression, the pressure of performing as a perfect, successful, or likable human being too much for any normal person to bear.

The forest is but a symptom. It is not actually a localized disease that has seeped into the soil of a beautiful world, it has spread to every horizon and darkened brilliant minds to the butterflies at the forest’s edge, the rarity that lies in wait for them if they follow the ribbons out.

Of all people, I’m aware that Depression isn’t a choice. It’s not something you can conquer by will of the mind alone. It requires support, sometimes medication, and it requires a heart that is willing to follow the ribbons.

This article is but one of a million like it that pretends to understand what this world experiences that lead them to the forest, but the message is the same, and it’s one that can’t be understated.

Your life is a gift, a miracle by all definitions of science and spiritualism. Your presence is important to the functioning of this broken society, and it can make a difference. It’s never too late for you, and nothing you’ve done has ever brought you past the point of love and redemption.

Remember the butterflies. You may have to gets scrapes and bruises on your way past the trees, and you may have a mountain to climb once you’re in the clear, but you are in a beautiful place. This world is pure, and you are a part of it.

Remember the butterflies.


Nuclear Bombs, Godzilla, and Metal Gear: A Culture Changed by War

On How We Are All Alike

Today, I did something odd that I think most people do. I looked at myself in the mirror, speculatively, as crisp morning air filtered through the blinds. I noticed the goosebumps on my neck, rising and falling with the pulse, with the dancing beat of my heart in my neck. Sometimes I get stuck just thinking about 7 billion other people who have a dancing heart just like mine.

I spend a minute noticing how much smaller my eyes were through the lens of my glasses. My eyes are so round. Were they always that round? My nose, once again, doesn’t quite hold up my glasses, so they slip down my face a little. I imagine myself as any other person, trying to memorize the curve of my own cheekbone, noticing how transparent my eyelashes are in the sun. I am one of 7 billion people alive, and in many ways, we are all alike.

We all fiddle with our eyebrows and notice stray hairs. We all gaze, bemused, at the peach fuzz on our faces. We all glance, amazed, at the dancing heart beats in our neck that never stop celebrating being alive, at least, not until they do stop.

I try to approach life with this in mind, and talking about our culture of threats, outrage, and weapons makes this approach, the approach of empathy, all the more important.

Godzilla is What Happens to a Culture Changed by Nuclear Destruction

I watched a newer version of Godzilla with my husband recently. It was utterly uncomfortable for me to watch and realize what a culture of people, permanently changed by nuclear bombs, could come up with as one of the most monstrous, feared, and repeatedly reimagined monsters in history.

Get this: Godzilla is literally the incarnation of nuclear ambition gone wrong.

Godzilla is literally what happens to innocent lives when people play around with things they don’t understand.

In this rendering of Godzilla, the United States gets involved, assuring the Japanese government that they are the ones that can destroy this creature with—GUESS WHAT?…Nuclear warheads.

The Japanese are understandably upset about receiving this ultimatum that they get their people out of the city, or they get destroyed along with the monster by the bombs. Their culture is practically built around a fear of nuclear weapons, a hatred of them, a desire for peace. But, in the end, the Japanese agree that there is no other way. The city is evacuated, and they prepare for nuclear war on the hibernating Godzilla as he recoups his strength for another blow on the city.

Scientists involved with coming up with a way to defeat Godzilla won’t have it, though. They refuse to leave. They continue orchestrating a plan to defeat Godzilla before the bombs can touch down. It’s not an easy fight, and it involves a great deal of resources, math, and quite a bit of death from the people fighting, but science wins the day.

Godzilla ultimately does not fall to nuclear war heads. Why would he, anyway? He’s basically made of the stuff. He falls to science, to perseverance, dedication to a cause.

I’m not a huge Godzilla fan, but I’ve been especially attuned to anything “nuclear-related” these days, as I’m sure you can imagine why. Ever since I learned about Hiroshima and Nagasaki as a relatively young girl, I’ve had an unmitigated hatred of gigantic weapons that destroy without conscience, without intelligence, without discrimination.

Metal Gear Solid: Priming Gamers to Choose Peace

Another interesting tidbit for you: Japanese games also reflect a changed culture and disdain for nuclear weapons.

My husband is an unabashed fangirl of a man named Hideo Kojima.

Kojima is one of the most innovative game makers in the world. He is brilliant, eccentric, and does not hold back his metaphorical punches.

Kojima is primarily responsible for a series of games called Metal Gear. There are five of them up to this point, and any further Metal Gear games will not be associated with him, as he left the company that owns the rights to them.

Kojima didn’t want to make a war game, but that’s what he was recruited to do all those years ago when his Metal Gear journey started. But, never fear. If he was going to make a war game, he was going to do it HIS way.

In the Metal Gear games, the dialogue is renowned for bits of life-altering knowledge and mind-game-like changes in perspective that force the player to examine themselves while playing. This can be in instances where the villain directs his inquiries to you, the player, not you, the character.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/d73f85be7a90a8c75d79deff752e8104/tumblr_mjvcv5EvGl1rrftcdo1_400.gif

Because I love my husband, I’ve watched several videos going into deep explanations of the purposes behind stunts like this. Despite myself, I find it incredibly interesting.

So, what would be the purpose behind scaring the wits out of the player. In this instance, you, the character, are facing the villain, Psychomantis. The villain, instead of addressing this “fake” you, this “fictional” you, address YOU, you. He digs into the history on your game system and talks about what other games you’ve been playing. In my opinion, this is the classic, put a mirror in a room to cause self-awareness scenario.

In case you’re unfamiliar, many psychological studies involve having someone undergo testing in a room with a mirror. This has been proven to cause people to be more self-aware, reflective, introspective. In other words, being self-aware is a positive thing and it can be forced by implementing tools like mirrors (or Psychomantis).

Video games are meant to take you out of your own mind. You get to pretend to be someone else. You adopt someone else’s thoughts and principles. Not here. Kojima wanted to player to realize as he was facing down a villain and a threat that this wasn’t a normal interaction, and what was about to go down was meant to be directed at the player.

“From the moment we’re thrown into this world, we’re fated to bring each other nothing but pain and misery.”

-Psychomantis in Metal Gear Solid 1

Look at the quote above and imagine a villain saying that. First of all, what an excellent video game character. Second of all, what a way to get someone’s attention. This wasn’t meant to get lose in the swarm of cheesy video game dialogue. This was meant to stick in the mind of the player, as it did with my husband. It was meant to change people.

I’ve never seen these earlier games in action, but I have watched Parker Play Metal Gear Solid V. In the most recent rendition of Metal Gear, I’ve learned there is a game mechanic that plays off this early attempt at self-awareness.

You play as a medic, transformed to look like the character “Big Boss” who is really not a very good guy. But, you, the you underneath can choose to really be “big boss” and kill indiscriminately, or you can play the game as it’s meant to be played, with stealth, without killing anyone, as a medic would. You can choose to be like the person you are underneath: a healer.

As Big Boss, you have many duties. One of them is collecting money and material to make your base bigger, fill it with competent soldiers, and, if you choose, defend it with nuclear war heads. One of the brilliant things about this mechanic is that Metal Gear Solid Five is always online. Other players can interact with your base, can destroy it with their nuclear war heads if they choose.

Why did Kojima put something like this in place? It wasn’t to watch the world burn, if that’s what you’re thinking.

He did it because he wants people to choose peace. If no one has nuclear bombs, then no one fears that someone will destroy them with nuclear bombs, and nuclear bombs are rendered unnecessary.

It’s a guessing game, and a dangerous one. And that’s the point. Kojima doesn’t play around with war games. He has a purpose, and that purpose is to make the player self-aware. That brings us to Death Stranding.

Death Stranding: A Game to Change a Generation

As with Metal Gear, I’ve watched many videos about the upcoming release of Death Stranding. There are a lot of basic things to know about this release, so I’ll try to sum this up quickly and easily:

  • Kojima no longer works for the people who made Metal Gear. He has creative freedom.
  • Kojima wants to change the way video games are played. This could mean changing the way players interact with each other in a mechanic similar to choose or don’t choose to have nuclear bombs and destroy each other as with MGS5. It could also mean that he intends to change the way players think about themselves in the game as with MGS1 (recall the conversation with Psychomantis).
  • Kojima has released several previews for the game, all of which have been heavily, heavily analyzed like pieces of literature. I’ll link to them below, in case you’re interested.

https://youtu.be/i2nuHEGhwiw

https://youtu.be/qPL_E-TEtL8

https://youtu.be/kMaxrryH0es

Here are some analysis videos:

https://youtu.be/zCQvFPll-oQ 

https://youtu.be/bz-A0ZAxqZc

Because most of what we have seen of this game comes down to speculation, I’d like to share some of mine.

In the previews, there are some gigantic creatures that I feel are Godzilla-like representations of nuclear power. In one of the previews, Norman Reetus’ character has this thing on his back, powered by a fetus, that is able to pick up on the presence of the monsters, much like a geiger-counter. When it moves, you know one is near, and when it’s near enough, you better not even breathe because it will find you and it will toss you into the death void.

This black, vitriolic substance that the monsters are made of seems to stick to everything. It’s everywhere! It leaks from the walls, it clings to animals, and it pours from the eyes of Mads Mikkelsen’s character.

Here’s another thing you need to know about Metal Gear Solid Five, the most recent Metal Gear game as I mentioned:

If you choose to have nuclear weapons, and the more you kill, the more the piece of shrapnel in your head grows like a horn in accordance with the blood on your hands.

Death Stranding seems to be implying a similar mechanic. My theory is that this black substance everywhere is almost like that horn. It clings to everything, it pours out of the eyes of the tainted villains, it gets control, it forms monsters that answer to no one.

Every bit of this leads back to one thing: Kojima is trying to change the world, and he is trying to create a culture that wants no part of nuclear weaponry.

Twitter Threats and Epithets

“North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!”

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump)

Japan is under threat again, lying directly in the line of fire between two madmen. As are we all. Japan has become a culture of honor, considerateness, and pacifism more than ever before because of what nuclear destruction did to them.

The messages of Godzilla, Metal Gear, and Death Stranding grow more and more important each moment that we sit and pretend that powerful people aren’t playing with nuclear weapons like they’re measuring sticks of political power.

Nuclear weapons aren’t toys, they aren’t threats, they shouldn’t even be tools. I think Hideo Kojima is right. If we can choose, all of us, not to let the black taint of nuclear ambition, violence, and hatred taint us, keep the ever-vigilant geiger-counter of future generations on our backs, then the world will be better for it.

Be vigilant. And remember. We are all human beings with dancing heartbeats in our necks, and more than anything, we are all very much the same. We can succumb to peace generation by generation.


Painting, Like Most Things, Is Great For Second Chances

I’m a writer, mostly. But, I grew up with a pen in my hand, crayons in my mouth, markers holding up my pony tail. I grew up, curious, touching cheap canvas, smelling paints as my dad set out his oils, desperately trying to get pictures from my brain into reality. I draw, I paint, and I love to leave the mark of my mind on things that will outlast it.

I was painting yesterday, and this wonderful thing happened where, in the silent of the house, fingers gripped to brush, swirling colors together like an art-alchemist, my mind hit the smooth pavement of its thoughts and cruised. It felt dangerously free. It felt inclined to remind me of everything I wasn’t really wanting to think on at the moment. But, at times, it simply was. I simply was, and my fingers did the talking.

It’s great to paint with cheap acrylics because there’s almost no such thing as a permanent mistake. I drew a quick sketch with an art pen, mixed my colors and slathered on the first layer. The freedom that comes with that sloppy strokes, covering ground recklessly, is knowing that the first stroke is nothing but foundation, nothing but a primer to cling to the better stuff to come.

As I progressed, I adjusted. I saw that things weren’t quite right, and I went darker, deeper, thinner, fatter, clearer, more detailed. Sometimes my shaking fingers didn’t quite get the curve right, didn’t quite capture the precision I was going for, so I let it dry and tried again.

With painting, there’s no pressure. You experiment until it feels right. I wonder why it’s so much harder to accept this in other disciplines and in life in general. With writing, we think it must be perfect on the first draft. I’m a bad writer if I make that mistake, if I can’t quite portray what I mean to.

But writing, like painting, is made for second chances, second drafts, and second opinions. It’s made for fresh eyes and readjusting.

Don’t let the mistakes get the best of you. Just adjust and try again.


America, We’ve Got a Problem

I know things are sensitive. People are sensitive. I know that lines, that boundaries, that territorial disputes in the political realm are sensitive. But, I’d say what’s even more sensitive is premature and violent death of family and friends.

I know that it’s good to be proud of your nation, to sing your anthem and think upon the centuries through which great heroes and common ideals have brought it into the new age. But, now is not a time to be proud. Now is not a time to fake patriotism. Our system is broken, and that does not make me proud. It makes me angry. I feel the injustice, greed, and power-hungry lies and placating, brown-nosing and cowardice like a slow, drowning anger.

I don’t hate America while having some beef with it. I’m not Anti-American for saying that there are some problems that need to be addressed that many are refusing to address. Let me tell you one thing, if I hear one more person say, “the left” or “the right” I will light all my clothes on fire and streak naked through the streets until I rot in jail. This isn’t a political issue. This is a human issue and people are playing party lines for tweet likes and continued power. That’s evil. That is evil.

Let me just walk you all through a scenario. Imagine that Jimmy has forty two life-sized teddy bears with mechanical arms, he only ever uses his teddy bears for hugs and for holding things. But, Jimmy’s next door neighbor uses his teddy bear to get food, and that’s okay, too. The strong arms of the teddy bear are great for picking cans up off of shelves. What really blows Jimmy’s mind is that someone would use something as strong and dangerous as a teddy bear to hurt people. Jimmy’s never hurt anyone with the teddy bear, so what would compel someone to hurt other people with the teddy bear?

Just think about this. I heard the argument that no one ever makes restrictions on fertilizers when bombs start going off (that’s not true), but even still, that’s not the best analogy. Fertilizer has a non-lethal purpose. Fertilizer is meant for the earth. Teddy bears are built for hugs and holding things. If someone went into a supermarket and beat someone to death with a hammer, you wouldn’t see outrage about the accessibility of hammers because hammers have a non-lethal purpose.

Tell me, what is the inherent purpose of a gun? It’s not to hug it. I will let you know right now that I won’t support guns being taken away from people. Guns are for hunting and recreation, but their core purpose, the reason they were made was to hurt and kill. Aristotle had this way of thinking about things where he would refer to a thing’s virtue, it’s telos. Telos refers to what something’s ultimate goal or purpose is. Aristotle questioned this because he wondered what the telos was for human beings, but in demonstrating this he would use objects and say things like, “What is the telos of a knife?” Well, what do you do with knives? You cut with them, so what is it’s purpose? What should it be? Sharp. The knife, should be sharp. What is the telos of a gun?

I don’t want to take anyone’s legally-obtained guns away. If anyone hears that as an item on the agenda from the news, then the anchors and writers are playing into the problem and they deserve to be fired.

You know what else? I understand that making things illegal would only mean that people would get more from Mexico and the wrong people would find ways to get guns illegally. The point is not to make guns illegal. The point is to make them very hard to get for psychos. If you’re a normal person who doesn’t have murderous tendencies, that shouldn’t be a problem, now should it? Already have fifteen guns in the gun closet? That’s great. Keep a close eye on those suckers. Your life won’t change except for that it should be so illegal for you to sell your guns in a back parking lot to some nobody that the penalties aren’t worth the risk. That doesn’t sound like too much of a request, now does it?

We want the good guys to have guns to defend their families. As much as I personally hate guns, I understand the need some people feel to have that safety blanket. Regardless of statistics that more people die in homes with guns, regardless of the studies that show aggression increases with the mere sight and presence of a gun. Guns are aggressive, violent creations no matter what anyone says about it. But still, I don’t want to take those away. Stop making this a party issue, world. It’s not. This is an American issue because hundreds, no…THOUSANDS of people are dying.

Like during any epidemic, the leadership must figure out a way to nip it in the bud. And we must be there to think about it reasonably, to discuss it without regard to party lines, to find a solution to the problem alongside the people who run our government.

 

 


Teaching Myself Joy

Poetry is purposeful. It’s like a very long breath after having been underwater. One doesn’t write poetry like prose is written, or at least, if they do, they’ve ascended to a level of existence that I won’t understand.

Poetry is not the quick-fingered composition of a novel or a blog post at the keyboard. Sometimes, it is a pen-in-hand, blank-stared emptiness that is only broken by the first stroke of ink on the secure page of a journal. One must slow down to a quarter the speed of life to process what needs written, to place words precisely at the end and the beginning of each line like the zig-zag thread of a repairing stitch on the heart. One must write to the rhythm in their heads, lest it get over-excited and run off the page and into their life.

I find that when I’m not writing poetry, I’m not slowing down. I’m not processing, not enjoying, not being grateful for the minutia of a life as blessed as mine. I once wrote an entire poem about Parker’s freckles, another about the fans of wrinkles beside his eyes when he laughs. I’ve written pour-me-out poems that delve deeper than I wanted to be dug into, that extricated the tumorous glob of untapped bitterness that turned into some of the greatest works I’ve ever made. But, to find that tumorous glob is pain.

I feel that every writer, once something good is written, fears that they will never again write its equal. They’ve finally hit the bottom of the well, and no more magic waters will fill it. There is nothing left to draw on. Of course, sometimes, when the poet feels as if the well is empty, they stand on the porch in the west Texas summer, they see a bird that dips, hovers, and spins, its fan-shaped tail like the oar of a boat, and the sky is its ocean. A poet looks at a bird, painting the sky with movement and the delight of freedom and finds that nothing within herself matters more than the flight of a bird in summer time. Not in that moment.

I think the key to being joyful is pausing. Slowing down. I may not even realize that Parker has freckles on his cheeks until I stop and trip, mentally, on his bodacious eyelashes. Then, a whole epic could be written about the construction of those freckles into constellations, map-markers of adventures in the sunshine.

Of course, sometimes poetry is like drawing blood. The blood that’s tainted that keeps pumping back through the poet’s heart cannot continue to live in the bloodstream. It must be drawn out and given its place on the page. Once the cancerous blood is allowed its seat of honor on its own page in the journal, the joy returns then, too. I paused and respected the wish of the pain to be let loose, and it respected me in return.

I, the poet, and many other pausers and writers do not often give enough effort in our emotional extrications. We may glimpse the cancerous tumor and allow it to continue blowing itself up like an alcohol-imbibed liver because it will not be fun to really give it the attention it asks for. We also do not want to be joyful in our writing because it would require that slowed down time. It would require the effort of scavenging for the satisfactions that lay like perfect autumn leaves on a bed of lesser ones.

I wish to pinch the red maple leaf with its fine points and webbed veins in between the pages and preserve it for another lifetime. It is beautiful, after all.


Gunmen and Reality More Cruel than Fiction

The tossing hum of the laundromat and its faint, mechanic heat lulled me as I waited for my clothes to wash. In and out, people carried their tubs of clothes, their tired faces and the mid-afternoon breeze pulling through the open door made me feel like a contented spot on the floor. An unnoticed piece observing the greater workings of human life.

I like to sit on the outside and observe. I like to empty my brain and feel like a spot on the tile, an ornament. But, as I enjoyed my anonymity, my recession into my thoughts, the droning of the television caught my attention. Headlines of massacre pulled me up and sat me firmly on my feet. “Worst Mass Shooting in U.S. History,” the television read.

A man, peeking through a hotel window with a heavily powered gun watched concert goers through his scope and waited until the time was ripe.

I am breathless as I stand, several others near me as riveted to the screen as I. I wonder, I stumble, I wheeze in consternation. Only moments before, I was anonymous, but as I singled my vision on the number of dead, all of the sudden, I felt like I was standing on the edge of the world, watching as the people next to me, one who was holding my hand, another who I had shared coffee with were leaping off into the chasm.

Some like to think that the world is a more dangerous place now than it has ever been. I’m not an expert, but of course, I don’t think that’s true. Humans have been annihilating each other since they could find sharp enough sticks or rocks to accomplish the task. Ambition, greed, jealousy, power…instinct? These deep seated, easily overlooked pieces of the character of mankind rear their ugly heads and take down the innocent in droves.

When I first started studying Psychology, I was introduce to something called The Stanford Prison Experiment. I won’t attempt to go into it here, if my reader is unfamiliar, but I will say that it sent me into such a disgusted depression, that I accomplished nothing but writing an angst-filled song at the end of the night. Are we animals? Are human beings incapable of controlling their violent temperaments? Are we going to keep murdering each other senselessly for the rest of time?

Am I going to have to cling so tightly to my loved ones that they can’t attend concerts, can’t board planes, can’t take the trains, can’t leave the gosh darned living room? For Pete’s sake, will I have to wear a bullet proof vest to leave the house?

Of course, the idealist in me screams at the injustice. We all wonder why in times like these. We wonder why the man shot all those people, and newscasters were ignorant as to his motive at the time of the broadcast. They saw no motive, no connection, nothing but the unstable mind of the murderer, son of a man on the most wanted list. Well, I thought about it. I puzzled and puzzled, as I often do when things go horribly wrong in the harmony of life, and I began to think that I had some semblance of an answer. It’s an answer I’ve had for many things in the past years, but I will nonetheless apply it here, too.

Why do people kill? How can someone turn a gun at a crowd of innocent people, none of which he has ever met before?

The answer? Humans have trouble seeing other people as human, too. I mean, really human, not by definition, not by association, not by comparison. Really, really human. They have trouble looking past a face that looks like their own, a title, a name that they go by, a package carrying a personality with its own perceptions and desires.

We label, we categorize, we disassociate. We lump.

Personally, I have a difficult time leaping out of my own head and seeing people. My husband is probably the first person that I truly saw. And by golly, I sure loved what I saw.

I don’t have a solution to accompany this answer, necessarily. I’m no less troubled, no less heartbroken at the existence of evil, murder, self-consumption. However, I can hope upon hope that humanity will one day learn to stop lumping and start talking, reading, and seeing.


We’ve All Got to Anchor Somewhere

Sometimes, I feel like a bobbing buoy, detached from its lifeline, flailing about in the waves of a grumpy storm. I’m not drowning, but I’m definitely unhappy out here.

A buoy belongs on its tether, and sometimes it should be allowed to sway here and sway there, piddle along with one ripple or another, hop free of the water for a brief moment, taken with the momentum, but it must always return to its tethered center. It must be centered, or it is lost.

—-0—–0—–0—–0—-0—–0—-0—-\(. _ .)/—-0—-0—-0—-0—-0—-0—-0—-0——-

It’s taken me a while to know myself, and in a way, it’s beautiful that I’m still figuring out my own brain, but it’s also disorienting, sometimes painful. It was only in the last year or two that I figured out that other introverts, like me, have to have a “base.” This might be common to all people, but particularly for introverts, this base is a place that they have as their own. It is their place to defrag and sort out the mess of their consciousness.

For me, while I was in college, this place was a coffee shop near campus. I liked it best when there were a few other people there, chatting quietly to cut the quiet, no music, just car noise from the window, a slight breeze giving it a good shake. I like to find my corner, put pen to paper, and let latte lips and fingertips drive me back to sanity. I know, that probably sounds so “hipster.” But it was my place, my anchor. I became so dependent on this routine that every time I went to the coffee shop, I knew I’d be able to come back to my dorm with a poem. I knew that I’d leave with something I’d created.

I cried many times in my corner of the coffee shop, disregarding the throngs of people, in-and-out, laughing maniacally, sometimes singing and asking for a highlighter to be thrown at their face. I would go when my frazzled brain tips were wigging out inside my brain, flinging themselves like tantruming toddlers all over my thoughts. I would be on the verge of a breakdown, tears brimming, heart empty, and more than once, the barista behind the counter would fake ring-up a coffee. Their kindness and the relief of being in that place would center me, would push me over the edge so I could get that cry out and put myself back on track. I used to eat stress three meals a day, but at least I always had that.

Right now, I’m adrift. I try to always find my center, my anchoring place, though I haven’t had a true “home” since before I graduated high school. At my in-law’s house, I found a home at my father in-law’s hand-made table at the far end, surrounded by windows, my back supported by a soft cushion. I’d cross my legs and thousands of words would fly out me to find their home in my fiction. It wasn’t ideal, maybe, but it was my center. Their home wasn’t my home, but it was a good enough stand-in, a beautiful stand-in.

Here, we make our stand-in home at a hotel. There’s nowhere to sit, and sometimes I don’t see another human face for eleven hours. I find myself bereft of inspiration, energy, or determination. I feel emptied without having gone through the effort of emptying myself. I feel drained, as a matter of fact, and often, I blame the fact that I don’t have a tether. There is no place to which I can relocate to physically and mentally distance myself from whatever issues are associated with the space I live in. There is no place I can go to where people in a similar state of mind gather to work out their tangled inner coils.

I feel like I’m a flailing buoy, head upside down in the ocean, legs kicking skyward like mad.

Don’t get me wrong, there are joys here. I have three constant blessings, all of them living things that renew my spirit and hopes. But, renewing emotional strength isn’t just a matter of my loved ones being near, it is about an enriching environment, a welcoming space where welcoming minds make tremors in the world, silently, on paper, in their thoughts, in whispers by the window.

Introverts, find your centers. Humans, get your tethers together. Everyone needs a room of one’s own. We all need our anchors. Heaven help the flailing buoys.


An Update and Life Confusion

Since my last update, I’ve traveled about 1300 miles with one car, two rabbits, and my husband to Albany, New York.

Albany is gorgeous, though Google Maps seems to be confused about whether we actually live in Buffalo or Albany. The rural areas around us are far different from what I’m used to.

Where I grew up in Texas, the skies are so large, it almost detracts from the long, flat plains of yellow grasses and shrubs so sharp and dry they could probably tear your skin off with the encouragement of a slight breeze. In Arkansas, you can hardly see the sky due to the hills and the trees. Rural New York is a beautiful amalgamation of long, open spaces, hills, trees, farmlands, and clean air. I can’t tell you how many gorgeous cornfields I’ve seen like a half-rippled quilted blanket, squares of the greenest grass on either side paired with the towering stalks of corn, feathered golden head wobbling on top.

Though I’m happy to be here, grateful to my husband for working hard here, it’s not exactly ideal for my creative mind, and it is for this reason that I’m writing this post.

The hotel we are staying at is, I’m fairly sure, the only one within 40-60 miles of Parker’s work that is both affordable and allows pets. Unfortunately, we have to pay for internet nightly if we wish to utilize it. This does not bode well for posting updates on the website, uploading podcasts or any of that. Not to mention, we had no room in the car for my recording equipment or any books.

I have very little to accomplish most days, petting rabbits and writing when I feel capable being the two foremost activities, but it’s been a surprisingly difficult transition to be alone all day and attempt to find motivation to create. I’m a very introverted person, truly. I cherish alone time, but too much alone time does tend to muffle up your creative juices.

Anyway, we are about 30 minutes to an hour away from Niagara Falls, and we’ve had the best pizza I’ve ever eaten in my life since we’ve been here, and I have so very much to be thankful for and inspired by. With all that said, I’d like to promise that I’ll post updates when I can, putting off regular podcast updates for the moment, and continuing to work on the second draft of my novel. I will make good use of my time, and hopefully we can work something out with the internet. When I don’t absolutely need it, it is hard to justify the payment.

Thanks for your continuing support. Much love.


Humbled by Shadow

Today, I am in awe, and the teleological majesty of our Universe strikes me with wonder.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to watch our moon eclipse the sun in-person, but I was witness to several renderings on television that still brought tears to my eyes.

My husband, who I shook out of bed and forced to come downstairs and watch, was also in awe, but he wondered aloud what it was that got people so riled up. On camera, thousands of people at each sighting were screaming and cheering, some in absolute stunned silence. I was sitting on the couch with a coffee in my hands and was dissolving in a puddle of tears of joy and wonderment.

What is it? This thing that fills us up and compels us to scream and shout to the heavens, what substance filters through the air to our brains and makes us jump on our feet? It can’t be articulated very easily with science, I don’t think. Sure, a scientist could tell you what joy is and why we experience it, but why did thousands of people come to one place and lose themselves as the moon perfectly aligned with our star and left us in twilight?

I think, as my husband later described, something as impossibly precise and perfect and stunning as an eclipse is a big ol’ “I love you.” I have a hard time conceiving how we could live in a Universe so precise and breathtaking that manifested on its own. Imagine, the Earth is spinning at thousands of miles per hour on its own axis, its poles drawing ellipses in space as it wobbles, and the moon does its own rotation around the Earth and revolves on its own axis. Even greater than this, both us and our moon circle the sun at thousands of miles an hour, still, on a gigantic ellipse, sometimes near and sometimes far from this compact ball of heat and radiation. Better yet, if we’re really lucky, we get to witness a point in which we are so perfectly in line with the celestial entities which regulate the natural processes of our Earth that one completely covers the other and a ring of fire at thousands of degrees encircles our moon and blinks its very precise cast of shadow.

It’s beyond my imagination and ability to understand, frankly. I took an Earth science class in which, I’m not ashamed to admit, I cried in class more than once just learning about this place that sustains and amazes us. I know not everyone has the love affair with the Earth and Nature that I do, but today, hundreds of thousands of people and maybe millions of people stared at the same stretch of sky and screamed for joy at the majesty of creation.

It can’t be explained or quantified or discounted. Something so incredible and bigger than us made us feel about the size of a pin-prick in the backdrop of our Universe, and we LOVED IT.

Today for a couple of hours, all of our petty, (and sometimes not-so-petty) issues didn’t matter. Today, we were all under the same sky, subject to the same laws of Nature, and wondering at how lucky we are to be alive. Perhaps that’s part of it, too. We were one, and we felt unified again. It is rare to feel at one with the rest of humanity, but today, we were in awe together, and we felt grateful to be here.

I agree. Today was a great big “I love you,” and I felt a touch of timeless divinity. I imagine that whatever Creator put things into motion must love us because an ambivalent God wouldn’t put such care into the mechanics of our lives. If not, then my puny human brain can’t help but love It, this God, for the purity of a spirit that can put things like a first-person witness to the workings of astronomy into motion.


Losing Sight of the Point in Charlottesville

I recall a Parks and Recreation episode when Leslie was trying to help Ben run for office as his helpful, strong-willed, outspoken wife who had political experience. As was typical for the show, there was a surreal moment when an anti-feminist group came to this pie-baking contest that was traditional for the wives of running officials to participate in. Instead of making Leslie, the forward-thinking, 21st century minded female do it, Ben took over the task.

However, present at the contest was this group, this anti-feminist group that was shouting things about how women need to stop oppressing their husbands and Leslie was actually forcing Ben to do things he didn’t want to do.

While you watch this and think, “That’s ridiculous, no one is actually like that,” while at the same time taking into mind that they’re tackling a real life problem, you have events that break the News such as our most recent Nazi breakout into the streets of Virginia.

Here’s a bit of a brain twister for you. My husband is a recovering conspiracy theorist addict. It’s one of his most beloved quirks, and at the same time, not a quirk at all because some of the most relevant concerns he brings to me about our democracy aren’t so far-fetched at all and have had a lasting impact on the way I think about things.

While I’m somewhat of a progressive liberal, my husband leans conservative. Where I tend to wish that Hillary Clinton had been elected, even for the sake of saying that an intelligent female had beaten out a mysoginistic business man for the most important office in our country, he would say that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. I don’t know if that’s true, but anymore, WHAT THE HECK IS ACTUALLY TRUE?!

My point in offering that information is to pose something that my husband has brought to me before. First, that we are all participating in this crazy game where elected officials are playing a role, and the script is written by the highest bidder. The second would be that, and this isn’t actually all that conspiracy-like, there are parts of the opposing political parties that actually stir up strife just to divide the country.

These thoughts make it very difficult for me to articulate blame because I’m ever conscious of how I’m being manipulated to think certain things.

Just a year ago, I was in an office with some conservative women. There was a particular person who was against the BLM marches on overpasses. I love these women, so I won’t say too much about it except that I disagreed that there was anything wrong with it. Our very own MLK Jr. had taken to busy streets to peacefully protest the wrongs and injustices our country was committing.

It was in times like these that one of the women would bring up news articles about how the BLM protesters had gotten violent, or that far left protesters were burning down businesses, and all the while I’m thinking, “I didn’t hear that! How could I not have heard that?”

Well, while that’s a whole different can of worms, my point here isn’t that news media is all bent to suck your brain into its manipulative portal and bend you against your loved ones who think differently than you, it’s that we need to be conscious of the fact that we’re being manipulated. We need to stand on the side of the victims and of justice, and we need to condemn evil, no matter from which political standpoint it comes.

I read two articles just this morning, one about the hit-and-run driver from Charlottesville during the alt-right rally who killed one person and injured 19 others. One article said, “They’ve arrested the driver from Charlottesville, and it’s not who you think!” and the article went on to explain that the driver was a left-leaning democrat who was trying to stir up more hatred against the right by posing as an alt-right angry person. The next article I read was three stories down and it was about the identity of the driver as a military personnel, radical republican.

What’s wrong with this picture, I ask you?

First of all, why are media outlets unveiling the identity of the supposed murderer before the trial and conviction? Second of all, how is it possible that I don’t actually know what’s true because people can publish whatever they choose to manipulate the masses? Third of all, how is it possible that I haven’t seen one article on the identity of the person that was MURDERED?

This isn’t about the driver. It is not about him. This is about the victims of a hit-and-run. This is about the students at UVA who stood up in front of grown men to fight racial intolerance. And you know what, I can’t actually imagine how scared they were. I can’t imagine!

This is about inequity, inequality, oppression, and silence.

You know what else? Don’t detract from the issue by blaming our (admittedly incompetent) POTUS. It’s not about him, either. Because, you know what? I don’t think he cares enough to try and stop this at the source, and I don’t think he understands that at least part of what he stands for or says is being written down in the textbooks of alt-right crazy people who bring guns to a college campus.

This is about us. It’s about sane-minded people looking through the crud. I will not be manipulated. I will not give murderers their day of fame. I will not detract from the purpose of these learning moments by casting out blame for a group of people. I will target this issue at its source.

Systematic Racism. Anti-Semitism. Hatred. Intolerance.

I beg of you to ask questions about what you read. Ask questions about who should be the focus of our news outlets. We need to take back our brains and think for ourselves, throw out our political thinking boxes, and demand that justice is seen from all sides. Stop telling your internet browsers to give you spoon-fed political sow feed. Seek out answers! Seek out answers!

Change starts with you. Change starts with me. Look your black friends in the eyes, look your Muslim community members in the face, look your Jewish, Christian, Republican, Democrat, Hispanic, Latino, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, South African, Ugandan, Puerto Rican friends straight in the eyeballs and understand. Understand.

We are all humans and we have to share this Earth. So let’s figure out how to do it sooner rather than later.